amusing grace

Peace, Dove and Happiness. . .

Growing up in the South was kinda weird.  Where I'm from (West Tennessee), the first day of dove season was a big deal.  One day I shot seven of ‘em.  Only in the South do we treat it as a holiday -- the day that you can legally kill the world symbol of peace.  “Come on, boys!  Next month we’re gonna shoot some eagles!”

Well, I NEVER!

Do you remember a party game called “I’ve never”?  Well, there are several cultural phenomena that I’ve never experienced.  Some of these items are so widespread that it’s rather embarrassing that I have yet to participate.  Granted, some things I’ve abstained from by choice; others, I’ve just never gotten around to.  Either way, the world wide web seems like as good a place as any to come clean about my lack of involvement in these societal norms.  In response to my admirable openness, I’d like to ask my readers to post comments that either a)blatantly make fun of me for specific items on this list or b)contain your own cultural “I’ve nevers”.  Enjoy: 

-I’ve never seen an entire episode of M*A*S*H*.

-I’ve never consumed anything stronger than Nyquil. 

-As of June 21, 2006, I’ve never heard 96 of Billboard’s Top 100 albums.  (Side note:  Of the four that I have heard, two were soundtracks from kids’ movies and one was Huey Lewis & the News Greatest Hits).   

-I’ve never seen Saving Private Ryan, The Godfather, or Shawshank Redemption.

-I’ve never been skydiving, bungee-jumping, or any other extreme thing that involves more risk than opening a jar.

-I’ve never driven faster than 88 mph (Side note:  The similarities between this speed and the speed needed for time-travel in the movie Back to the Future are purely coincidental).

-I’ve never even thought about piercing, tattooing, or permanently altering my body in any way.

-I’ve never seen an episode of Lost, 24, Desperate Housewives, or pretty much any other “cult following” show that’s come out in the last 3 years.

-I’ve never memorized the names of all 7 dwarfs, all 5 Jacksons, or all 12 days of Christmas (I got as far as “six geese a-laying” and got weirded out).

and finally (you’re not gonna believe this one). . . (drumroll please). . .

-I’ve never had a cup of coffee.

Alright, that feels better.  Your turn.

Thoughts while “getting up in the morning”

-Couldn’t they make alarm clocks easier to turn off?  My alarm clock – you have to find this little switch with all of these different options.  It’s like “Alarm on.  Alarm set.  Time set.  Alarm off.  Radio.”  Huh?  I can’t figure that out when I’ve been awake for an hour.  I wish they would just make a night stand where the whole top of it is just a huge “Alarm off” button.  Beep-beep-beep -- SLAM!  And you’re done.

-Ladies stand in front of the closet for like 15 minutes picking out their clothes for the day.  When a guy rolls out of bed, he doesn’t care.  His main objective is just to not be naked.  “Let’s see – flannel pajama bottoms, crumpled-up dress shirt, ski boots.  Alright kids, let’s get you to school.”

-The man who said nothing is impossible never tried to get a 6-year old out of bed on a school day.

-You ever wake up in the morning with a totally random thought on your mind?  Maybe it’s just me.  I’m like, (yawn, stretch)  “It’s hard to tell when a bagel’s gone bad.”  Huh?  Where did that come from? 

-Breakfast food nowadays is all about speed.  How fast can you consume the breakfast?  It takes too long to actually pour milk and cereal -- no problem:  the cereal bar.  Now they have french toaster sticks – don’t get out eggs and bread and a pan!  Stick ‘em in the toaster, dip ‘em in the microwave syrup.  Can you imagine our granddads, getting up at the crack of dawn to go out and plow 40 acres with a mule, and Grandma’s like, “Honey, I’ve got eggs, bacon, biscuits and gravy and a fresh pot of. . . . No thanks, honey -- I’ll just have a Carnation instant breakfast shake.”   

Women are smarter

I’m finally ready to admit something -- Women are smarter than men, and I can prove it.  The first reason I know that they’re smarter is that they’ve got the men thinking that we’re smarter.  Also, women have to be smart to come up with some of the questions they ask us.  I’ve been married almost eleven years, and when my wife is getting ready to go out, I still have no idea how to correctly answer some of the questions she comes up with. 

“Do you like this outfit?”  Now this one’s not too hard -- but men, you’d better say yes.  You have to remember:  the entire point of this question is for you to say YES.

Here’s another one:  “Does this make me look fat?”  Now men, in the name of all that is decent and right, just say no.  I had a friend who answered yes to this question about six years ago -- I never heard from him again.  He’s gone now.  The fat question has been around since the beginning of mankind.  After they sinned, Adam and Eve walking around the Garden of Eden -- “Honey, do these fig leaves make me look fat?”  Thank the Lord, even then, Adam had the presence of mind to just say no -- and that’s why there’s a human race today.

Now here’s my favorite question that women ask men.  This is the one that convinces me that they’re smarter -- because this question has no correct answer:  “Honey, why didn’t you tell me I looked bad in this?”  Now, men, if you think about it, there is no way to answer that question in a good way.  “Honey, why didn’t you tell me I looked bad in this?”  ‘Cause if you tell her that you think she looks good, she’ll just think you’re lying.  And if you actually tell her why you didn’t tell her she looks bad, she’s got you there, too:

“Well, sweetie, the fact is, I just didn’t want to hurt your. . .” 

“See, you don’t think I look good!” 

I’ve found that the only way out of this question is to pull a Fred Sanford and fake a heart attack -- but use this sparingly.  You can only do it two or three times before she catches on. 

(Of course, I’m kidding.  It is questions like these that truly make marriage such a wonderful adventure.  However, I’m not teasing about the “women are smarter” thing -- I really do believe that:-)

After while, crocodile. . .

I just wanted my 7 or so faithful readers to know that I shan’t be posting for a few days.  I’m leaving tomorrow for the annual CCA (Christian Comedy Association) conference.  Some of you may not even know that there is a CCA.  Anyhoo, I’ll be back later in the week.  I would appreciate your prayers for a fun and safe trip.

I leave you with a bit of random nonsense that I must share.  Yesterday, I actually heard the weatherman say, “We’re going to have a little cold front come through today, but it’s not going to bring any cold weather.”  Huh?  Then how do you know it’s a cold front?  That’s like saying, “We’re expecting a couple of tornadoes tomorrow, but there really won’t be any wind.”

Gotta plane to catch – see ya:-)